When Are You Getting Married?

- BY NEHA

My grandparents recently celebrated their 70^th wedding anniversary. Yes people you read that correct. SEVENTIETH! The occasion reminded of me how sacrosanct and beautiful the institution of marriage is (or rather should be) and how our society has made it into a seemingly obligatory step in life. So much so, that you are supposed to bend over backwards and do whatever you possibly can in order to get married ‘on-time’.

Hailing from a society and culture where marriage is regarded as the be-all and end-all of life, especially if you are a woman (no matter how successful you may be otherwise, you will never be considered ‘settled’ until you are married), I have often grappled with the whole concept of marrying because societally it is the ‘next logical step’ in life.

Marriage is supposed to be a sacred (not scared) union between two individuals, who commit to harmoniously sharing their lives with one another and standing by each other at all times. It is a commitment that requires a great deal of understanding, compassion and trust. I deliberately omitted the word ‘love’ because in some societies, love is not always the prerequisite factor and may or may not be present between the two people concerned prior to marriage. Furthermore, the definition of love is very subjective and varies.

There are a myriad reasons why people may choose to get married by a certain age or choose to remain single. As many people in this world, as many opinions there are with regards to the institution of marriage. While some find the right person to spend their lives with, others either buckle under family/societal pressure or decide to marry someone who ‘kind-of’ fits their idea of a life partner (the ‘something is better than nothing’ adage does get the better of most of us). It is not unnatural for people to feel afraid of ending up alone and therefore settle for something that they would probably have not considered if they were in the prime of their youth.

A cousin of mine had been meeting several prospective alliances for some time but was not making much headway. A couple of years into his search for a suitable bride, I distinctly remember his father commenting that if his son (i.e. my cousin) does not settle on a girl within the next year or so, he may have to compromise in life later by marrying a ‘divorcee’ or a ‘widow’. I was appalled at this remark. Why does our society think that it is somehow wrong to marry a divorcee or widow? Being one does not make you less worthy and does not imply that there is something fundamentally wrong with you. Several famous movie stars and sportsmen are married to divorcees or widows/widowers (I am talking about renowned celebrities here for whom there wasn’t a dearth of eligible single men/women, in fact quite the opposite). For them, marrying a divorcee or widow/widower was apparently not a matter of compromise. It was merely that the qualities they wanted in a life partner, they found in someone who had been married previously.

Lately, not even one social gathering goes by where I am not asked, “When are you getting married?” (larger the gathering, greater the apparent concern for me). As if meeting the right person and falling in love is entirely in my hands and I am deliberately procrastinating this decision.

I have always maintained that marriage for me, as and when it happens, will always be a decision based on mutual respect and love; and not because it is something that the society expects of me. For the society, it would simply be a ‘wedding’ but for me it would be a ‘marriage’. There is a clear distinction between the two words. While the former is primarily one big expensive party, the latter is a sacred vow of lifelong honesty, companionship and commitment.

In my opinion, the more genuine and heartfelt are your reasons (free from obligations and fear) for getting married, the greater is the likelihood of your marriage being a happy one. A marriage, merely because it has lasted for several years, need not necessarily be a happy union. People often remain in a loveless relationship for a multitude of reasons, societal image and public reaction to divorce, being one among them.

Ultimately what most of us want in life is to be happy. While for some happiness may be associated with marriage; for some others happiness is independent of their marital status. Why can’t our society encourage us to be happy rather than encourage us to get married? Marriage is neither the key to happiness nor an assurance or guarantee for anything in life.

I would rather ask people if they are happy. And if the answer is yes, who cares whether they are married or not.

So what are your thoughts on marriage? Do you think it is a little overhyped in some societies?