I Like This New Me

- BY PRIYANKA

Finally, after 34 years, I have found a reason to be proud of myself. Yay!!!!

I am content with myself and my life. Changes in my surroundings no longer bother me in a negative way. I can ignore all the noise around and focus only on the ‘controllables’. I never knew I was capable of that. I had been told I was good but I never believed it. I had been told several times that fortunate will be the man who marries me, but it never sounded true to me, or maybe it did but I simply ignored it. I had been told multiple times that I was talented, but I was always critical of my achievements.

I always believed that nobody is capable of stretching themselves beyond 100%. What that essentially meant was that if my achievements were appearing to be more than 100%, it just meant that I did not know what my 100% really was, until then. And then that 100% would shift through the continuum to 120% next time but I would still call it my new 100%. Essentially, each time I would surpass my 100% because of further disciplining myself and learning to do things even better; I would never give myself credit for it. While I believed in the philosophy that one could train one’s mind and physique to accomplish levels hitherto unknown, I never really appreciated what I did manage to accomplish. I assumed that what I did was surely something many others are doing as well or may have already done, and therefore it was “NO BIG DEAL!”

Repercussions (in no particular chronological order) of my then thought-process:

I do not have my half-page photograph that was printed in a reputed local newspaper in Jammu, the Daily Excelsior, when I had been selected to represent the State of Jammu & Kashmir at the Zonal level in a prestigious debate competition. I thought, “So what? BIG DEAL!”

I anchored a regional Television show successfully without any retakes, even though it was the first time ever in my life that I was facing the camera. I was in Grade 9 then and never took the efforts to take the recording of the show back with me or at least a certificate. I thought – “It’s just a TV show!” That show ended up being aired about 10 times in a month as opposed to the scheduled once, because it was such a great hit!

I won several awards at State-level debates & seminars and my name often appeared in the local newspapers almost once every month. However, I don’t have even a single cutting of those newspapers. Poof! Or should I say No Proof! Oh…..I remember now….I do have the certificates…Phew!!! Thank God they give those away at the award ceremonies (FYI - I used to participate only in those competitions where the awards were cash prizes).

I used to write. I wrote poetry in English and Hindi (must have written about 200-odd poems), but the man I was dating then refused to return them to me because I chose to sever ties with him after being together for over 5 years. I did not fight for my work. I thought I could create it again, but I could not. I was in ‘LOVE’ for the first time. The quality of writing, the depth, the beginner’s advantage - everything worked towards creating those two fat diaries of my work. I started writing in Grade 5 and went on till about Grade 11. OK HERE I SAY IT - the first person I ever dated was when I was in Grade 9. I confess this today that I wanted to marry him almost till the day I severed ties with him in my mind (I actually broke up with him in reality much later). I reserve the reasons for the break-up for another blog post but in a nutshell, dating someone with very low self-esteem pulled me down to his level so that we looked equal to the outside world, as if it was my responsibility to save him from any embarrassment of wanting to marry an academic and extracurricular champion (I am absolutely loving using such glorified words for me because I have only ever demeaned myself my whole life). He never thought of pulling himself up by his own bootstraps and working meticulously towards rising up in life. It didn’t have to be in studies necessarily, it could have been sports or anything else, but he always took me for granted, because where he was concerned, I turned out to be an easy catch (no effort required). As for me, I just fell for the first guy who approached me.

My childhood profile outline:  I was a tom boy. Guys feared me as I was a State Karate and Taekwondo champion. For me, as a Grade 9 student then, a cute-looking fair and lean guy thinking that I was worth dating was like an achievement (or should I say excitement). Plus I was lonely. My father was posted in Kashmir. My mother was posted in Delhi. I was living with my grandparents in Jammu. My only older brother and I weren’t that close (it was just the sibling rivalry that people had forced in his head, he is a gem otherwise and I have always loved him and so has he). I think I was destined to fall in LOVE SO EARLY IN LIFE and in retrospect, while it did teach me a myriad of lessons, it also slowed me down. The guy was super possessive, could not see me hugging my own dad, which is a testimony to what I endured all through those prime years of my youth.

But having said all that about my dismal love life, I had an otherwise rocking school life. I was the ‘Queen’ at school (not the prom queen), but the Queen who won hearts of older and younger people alike, of teachers and students alike, of staff and security alike. I was a girl who everyone knew by name right from the kids in Kindergarten, to the Director of the school, not to mention the Principal of the undergraduate degree college within my school premises. I was popular but to put it in the right perspective, I was the 'QUEEN OF JUSTICE' (yes, I just came up with that title). As hilarious as it might sound, I thought it was my responsibility to take care of everyone. For instance, I believed that no newcomer should be bullied in any which way and must be made to feel at home when they join school. Therefore, my free time was spent looking through the nooks and corners of the school which were the so-called bullying hotspots. When I spotted something untoward, I would either stop the bullying myself or file an anonymous complaint. People mostly knew I had complained, but I didn’t care. After all, I was trying to protect the weak. That was my self-proclaimed role that I could never turn my back on.

The next responsibility I took over, again in a self-proclaimed manner, was that of protecting the girls from eve-teasing in my school and neighbourhood. So, whether it was school, in the local transit, or the long walk back home, I would stop eve-teasing wherever I witnessed it. What some might find funny is that whether it was a girl who I knew or an absolute stranger, I HAD TO SAVE HER. I must have handed over a dozen guys to the local police.

Don’t get me wrong - this is not a blog post where I have decided to sing my own praises (or may be it is…). The reason I am offering you a glimpse into my childhood and teenage years is that despite all my accomplishments and awards, I was NOT PROUD OF MYSELF. I thought it was ‘normal’ – normal for a tom boy like me to be studying, looking out for others, cooking, as well as be taking care of my younger cousins in the family (I used to bathe them; feed them; sing songs to them; put them to sleep; take care of them like a mother would). I THOUGHT EVERYTHING I WAS DOING WAS ALL OK, JUST OK. IT WAS NO BIG DEAL.

I have always been passionate about people I love and therefore have allowed that love to do things for me - things that I am not proud of. Things that made me a different person, or may be made the adolescent girl (swimming in the hormones of puberty) inside me takeover. I eventually quit Karate. My then boyfriend did not let me audition for what could have been my big TV and radio break. Yes, I was offered a lead role in the local television show and had received several calls to participate in radio shows, all of which I had to turn down. Why? Because my boyfriend thought that entering the glamorous world of media would take me away from him. Furthermore, he could not bear the thought of makeup artists touching my face. So I made up an excuse. I told the director of the TV show that since I wanted to concentrate on excelling in my board exams and top the State, I couldn’t do the TV show (I ended up ranking 22 or 23 in the ENTIRE State and that itself was very demoralising for me). I was any which ways not proud of myself and now I had totally forgotten all that I had achieved (I had hardly ever taken cognizance of it in the first place). I firmly believed I was below AVERAGE. It’s funny how on one side I had succumbed to the belief that I was super ordinary, but on the other hand, I knew that I needed to move past this stage quickly and try to get hold of myself so I could focus on bettering my life.

It wasn’t easy and with every step I took forward to advance, memories from my past kept trying to drag me back. Time and again I remembered how everyone used to come to me for a solution to their problems and how I would solve it for them. I was always there for everyone, even strangers.  But my mind had accepted that it was my ‘brand equity’ from my past and had no bearing on the individual I had become in the present. I had no future plans and was just going with the flow of life. I believed that God wouldn’t let anything bad happen to me or my loved ones (I still hold onto this belief). Trust me, GOD was always by my side and has always been. Even during the toughest of times in my life when I was alone and there were unusual advances towards me - from neighbours, landlords, first cousins and random guys - I managed to save myself from all of them. God was always beside me and greatly helped me in escaping even the most difficult of situations.  There were times during my childhood wherein I only had 3 pairs of clothes, but I was content and never cribbed. I had these oversized clothes in Grade 1 and remember wearing them till Grade 7. I recall undoing one-fold of my skirt each year as I grew taller and tucking my long shirt inside it so that no one would know. People just thought I had a bad dressing sense and I was OK with that. I was even OK with the fact that I wasn’t as pretty my Mom and people gave me weird looks when she would introduce me as her daughter. She once asked me –“Hope you didn’t mind what my colleagues said about you not looking like my daughter”. I think I was in Grade 1 then, but distinctly remember what I said to her in response - “My soorat (physical appearance) is not in my hands but my seerat (inner beauty) is. And I will work on that”. That very moment, I knew my mom felt so proud of me as I could see right past her eyes and straight into her heart. I could see the tears that she managed to hold back. Coming back to my over-sized clothes, I had made peace very early in life with the fact that I was ugly (at least by the standards of the Kashmiri community) and so my appearance never did matter to me. I therefore wasted no time grooming myself externally. I was always working on my inner self - strengthening my soul and spirit.

Cutting the already so-long story short, after I married my husband (remember my first blog post - he is a ROCKSTAR!), I got busy with the household chores and family planning like a good ‘BAHU’ (daughter-in-law) and WIFE. The glories from my past had faded in my head. What was good was that I had given in completely to this man in my life. I just wanted my whole life to revolve around him. And then our kids came along. My parents with whom I could not live together during my childhood, finally decided to move in with us to take care of their grandkids so that I could continue working. In hindsight, I really need them more today than I did when I was a child. The way I look at all this is that God saved that parental togetherness share of mine for now and I am grateful for this blessing.

The fact that I need to circle back to where I started from is what makes me proud today. I had been living a fairly normal life ever since I got married. I took care of the home, our kids, my work, my husband and my parents. For outsiders, I was still a SUPER MOM/ SUPER WOMAN. To me, I continued to be below ordinary. I often thought - was I born for just this? I wasn’t satisfied with myself or with my contributions to my life. I was happy with what life had offered to me but not with what I done to better my life. I thought of putting this unrest to some constructive use. So, about a month back, I decided to RUN. Mind you, even with all the martial arts accolades that I had received, all of which date back to my early teens, I was never ever a runner. Running was never my cup of tea. I could barely run 500 m without losing my breath completely.

But at 34, I decided to run and get back into shape and be physically fit like I used to be 20 years ago. I started off running 1-2 km on a tread mill and gradually moved on to running 5 km. I was elated with my first 5 km run - non-stop in 32 minutes at level 9. It was an awesome feeling for me as it had been just about 10-odd days since I started running seriously. I then moved on to run 10 km on the treadmill and cross trainer put together. This time, I felt a HIGH that only LOVE had given me in the past. I was in LOVE AGAIN! Only this time, it was with running (or may be with the sense of pride and accomplishment it brought with it). I texted a runner friend of mine about my achievement and he told me that he wants me to run a marathon with him this year. His words motivated me immensely and I challenged myself (in my own sweet cross-wired women’s head) to prove being worthy of that marathon place. I decided that I now needed to run on the ground. And so I did. I ran 5 km on the ground to start with and within a few days, another runner friend of mine registered me for a 21 km marathon. When I told my Mom about this, she frowned and said, “21km?!?! Are you crazy? How on earth will you manage that?” The next day was a Saturday, so I went to the neighbourhood park early in the morning and completed my FIRST 21 km run in less than 3 hours. I wasn’t too keen on timing but more on managing to stay on the ground.  This is how my next text message to both my runner friends went:

Me: Hey I completed 11 KM on ground today!

Runner friends 1 and 2 (after 4-5 hours): Wow, that’s great! You will soon run a 21. You are awesome!

Me: I just did

Runner friends 1 and 2: When?

Me: I ran another 10 after the 11 that I texted you about. I wanted to make you guys proud.

AND THEY WERE PROUD.

But that’s not the only reason I am happy.

Running has brought focus in my mind.

Let me go sequentially: In order for me to continue running, there were two things I needed - time and no disturbance in my daily contribution to my family.

Therefore, my schedule had to undergo a major change. Here’s what I’ve been doing - I now wake up automatically between 4:30 - 5: 00 am (I’ve never been an early riser. I could sleep anywhere anytime and loved sleeping so much that it had been a topic of contention between my husband and me). I leave home for a run around 5:30 AM and after my run, I spend the next 1-1.5 hours doing what needs to be done at home. This ensures that I do not take time away from my kids and family. I have become more efficient and organised at work because I am now mindful of the fact that I need to wind-up work on time in order to spend quality time with my kids in the evening. I have also set aside half an hour for reading and catching up with friends/ relatives.

I am writing this blog post after eons. My apologies, but I think it is not likely to happen again. I want to keep writing. A couple of days back, I even wrote a poem AGAIN. I have only been able to write a few poems since my school days and that too majorly for my kids. But this one had a romantic undertone to it, although it is just a figment of my pure imagination (dear husband please take note). As a matter of fact, I wrote my best romantic poems during a time in my life when I had never experienced romance. Just like this recent poem, those earlier poems were also a creation of my fertile imagination.

I now feel fulfilled, as if I am living the life God intended for me. I feel like I am contributing to the life around me and the best part is that my head is clear. No one can mess with it now. I have stopped reacting to the noise and clutter around me. I choose my reactions/responses wisely to keep up with my schedule. No more distractions for me now. The only distractions I have are the only ones I want and I can give up on them as and when I choose to do so. Even right now if I decide. But I want to carry them on for now. Like my table tennis and tea breaks at work, or occasionally responding to WhatsApp messages to let my friends know that I am still ALIVE or at times indulging in some retail therapy or simply chit-chatting with colleagues and friends. I do want to keep all this in my life for now.

I love this NEW AVATAR of mine and I hope it’s not a passing phase. I hope this is my life from now on. I pray there are no injuries that will stop me from running. I pray that everyone stays ALIVE, healthy and happy. I don’t want anything to change. I am no longer ashamed of my past, as it enabled me to morph into this strong individual that I AM today. And I want to stay this way. Oh God, I really hope you are listening (or reading this) and hope you have even better plans for me ahead, as always.