If I Were Him

 - BY PRIYANKA

Countless times we have said or heard someone say, “If I were in his place, I would have done this.” How many times have we judged people or offered opinions on their actions without really being part of the situation? It is probably norm of the day to say, “He/she shouldn’t have done this” or “If I were him, I would have moved mountains” (well, that’s to say he/she couldn’t even move a spec). Myriad times I have seen others and, to be honest, I too have said this several times in the past while watching a TV show or a movie, “Who does this?” or “What was the director/writer thinking while scripting this?” or “Isn’t it freaking obvious who the culprit is?” or “Don’t they trust each other even a bit, how can she be so stupid to risk her marriage for this?”

A couple of times in the past (during my lovely dating days), while watching a romantic movie or a romantic scene in an otherwise thriller movie, I remember having the following conversation with my husband:

Me: “What would you have done had you been in his place?” or “What if I had reacted like this, would you have left me like this guy in the movie did or would you have trusted me?”

(I asked these questions in a hope to get the obvious answer, “Of course baby, I will trust you and be on your side.” So simple and easy to say, isn’t it? But, he always had a different response.)

Him: “Hypothetical question honey. I would not spend even a second to contemplate how I would have reacted in a hypothetical situation.”

Me: (Frowning) “Did it ever occur to you that the better answer to this question would have been, I love you so much, I would obviously be on your side. Why do you even doubt that honey? But no, you have to be politically correct always.”

Him: “Today, you have asked me to identify with a simple question, although hypothetical, and to answer your last question, I am not so dumb as to not know the easiest way to earn brownie points with one’s girlfriend. But I choose not to entertain such questions deliberately because tomorrow you may ask me a question to which the reply would not be so straightforward but you will still coerce a reply out of me and then day after tomorrow, if the situation actually arises, you would expect me to react in the exact same way that you forced out of me. But the situation and conditions/factors weaving around it might make me react differently. I do not want to be in a situation where you would blame me for having double standards. Therefore, I simply choose not to identify with hypothetical situations and rather face them as and when they arise by being objective, evaluating the alternatives and coming up with the best possible or optimal solution.”

I think this is so true. A lot of the times, we spend our gray matter hypothesizing, criticizing and offering unsolicited advises. May be the human mind works like that. Perhaps it gives us satisfaction, condolence and comfort thinking that we would have reacted differently (read: in a more informed manner) in the given situation. However, I think all of us, or at least many of us, would agree that when we actually land ourselves in a soup, our assumptions go out of the window and we become impulsive the moment an emotional angle is attached to a conflict (come to think of it, I personally believe all conflicts are emotional, be it at the work place or in personal life. How can it be a conflict if it is not emotional? Conflicts involve emotions and emotions make us less reckoning and impulsive). Our DNA per se, is biased towards a certain predisposition. When we aren’t part of a situation, it is easy to become a hero (albeit in our head) and win a war, without actually even lifting a sword.

I will use my example in order to better explain what I mean. I grew up as a tomboy (don’t know why but I did) - very independent and physically fit (ironically, as a child I wanted to look muscular as opposed to charming and pretty). I do not remember complaining about any pain/illness to my parents unless I really thought a doctor’s intervention was needed or the pain was unbearable or clearly visible. As I grew up and overheard people speak about labour pains (remember I am a female and this is one conversation that every female has to undergo at some point in life no matter how tomboyish she is), I kept thinking in my head,  “How difficult can it be to bear a child?” Several years later when I actually got in labour, I realized that no one in his or her perfect senses would opt for a normal delivery. The pain is agonizing, to the say the least, and very very…ahem... painful (I know I am not the first one to say that.) I, who claim to be the biggest fan of my husband (or perhaps his only fan…shhhh, don’t tell him that) and who thought no pain could ever crush me, literally slapped my husband twice during my first labour pain and begged my doctor for a C-section (the doctor was kind enough not to pay heed to this. She told my husband that she will not do a C-section and I had no choice but to bear the pain for the good of my child and myself).

The point I am trying to make is that you can never actually know before you fight the battle how brilliant you are at fighting. And winning one battle may be bit of an indication of you faring well in the next one but is no guarantee. You may be miserable in the next battle depending on how the new opponent has laid his cards. Like every battle, every situation is different and every individual within the same/similar situation is different (even the same individual in relatively similar situations may respond differently). There are no rights and wrongs. It is merely an individual’s reaction to the situation, based on his/her perspective, mental tenacity and level of endurance.

I have had the opportunity to counsel a lot of friends and known ones in the past. People somehow find it easy to place their trust in me and I thank them for considering me worthy of knowing and retaining their darkest secrets. The key to them accepting my suggestions has been that I have never judged them. I never try to point to them whether they were right or wrong. Instead, I offer them the best solution (based on my limited intellect) given their current state of mind and health, which is likely to help them manoeuvre through that particular phase of their lives (alright, that’s it. I am not selling my counseling skills here and you are not going to see a denomination of USD 50 per consultation on this blog).

I have been in situations in the past where I have pointed fingers at someone or judged people and thereby ended up being worse off myself in similar situations. God has his discreet ways of showing us our right place and when we identify with hypothetical situations (mostly negative ones), it’s more like meditating that God puts us in a similar crisis. Poor God has no choice but to let us test the waters that we, ourselves ask for, and then blame him later for our defeat/sorrow/dejection/dissatisfaction as we are unable to handle the situation in the elite manner in which we had once hypothesized we would or could.

When I was forced to leave my 3-storey independent house in Kashmir and ended up in a hall with 18 other people in Jammu in which I lived for months, I did fairly well to embrace the situation, perhaps because I dealt with it as it came (like the other 17 with me living in the same stinking hall). None of us preconceived our reactions to this adversity and hence we were in no pressure to match our reactions to our hypothesis and to prove anything to anyone. Like I have written before in my earlier posts, when God puts you in a situation, he has faith in you that you will handle it well and he ensures you do well if you place an equal amount of faith in Him.

We know it only after being there and never before passing that lane. Hence, let’s not say anymore, “I would have done it better or differently had I been in that situation.” Focus only on situations you actually are in. Do not generalize your reaction to a set of situations. Remember, every situation will throw different challenges each with myriad dimensions, some of which you cannot reasonably foresee. Hence, you cannot contemplate your reaction to the unknown, let alone be so sure of it. And if you do, you will eventually succumb to performance pressure when you land right into it. And believe me you will land into it.