Resistance To Change

 - BY PRIYANKA

What is your first instinct when someone suggests a change in your routine or habits, and may I say these changes could be as small as replacing one cup of regular tea with green tea, reducing your sugar intake, moving your gas stove by 90 degrees so it becomes more convenient to use, placing your dustbin away from your living room so that your little ones do not find their play way in and around it, starting to use planners in office to daily update your sales record (despite you always having excelled on your targets), conducting weekly team meetings (although there have been no client complaints in the last 5 years), changing your doctor, and so on and so forth?

In my experience, most of us resist change and we hardly ever like change (especially in the beginning). Adaptability to change is a gradual process unless it is forced upon us, such as your workplace management asking you to mandatorily use a sales planner. Initially, we usually come up with reasons as to why the change won’t work and why the original routine is better. It is the fear of stepping out of our comfort zone that makes us wary of change. Ask Neha - she invariably frowns at the slightest change of plans even if the reasons for the change are legitimate.

I have been working for my present organization for over 5 years now. I have been a decent performer throughout but am underpaid (no, not like all of us crib about. I actually need an immediate market correction of about 100% as I started my career during the 2009 recession). Having said that, I feel sort of powerful at my workplace, perhaps because the management listens to me, acts on my thoughts and invites my opinions on critical matters. Moreover, I am not questioned if I walk in late or leave early (I have 2 kids and I need that kind of flexibility). But the truth is, I have hardly been happy here. Barring few days here and there in the last 5 years, I have thought of quitting this organization almost every single day that I have spent here. I have no qualms in admitting this that in my heart of hearts, I am scared. I am skeptical regarding how I would fare in my next job, whether I will be able to secure so much trust again, will I be able to deliver and so on and so forth. I am not sure if everyone has such apprehensions but I know I have and I am assuming many of you do too. Although, there is a part of me that is thrilled at the prospect of getting a new assignment, overcoming new challenges, meeting new people, successfully executing a load of work, undergoing trainings, performing under pressure, etc. However I must confess, being in the comfort zone is a lot easier than moving on, even if that moving on involves a market correction of 100% in my overall remuneration. Leave aside changing my job, I have always wanted to start my own business but I lack the mental fortitude to do so. Questions like - What am I good at, Will I be able to manage the risk, Who will fund my initiative, How will I repay if my venture fails? - have so far prevented me from taking any action towards what I want. Recently, while reflecting upon my wants and what truly make me happy, I told Neha I wish to be a radio jockey. The idea was however nipped in the bud when she replied that all radio offices in the city were a 2-hour drive from where I live.

The long and short of it is that change is difficult to embrace because it calls for effort and sometimes, it even requires us to start all over again. We all resist change due to the fear of the unknown and perhaps more than that, the fear of losing the known (our comfort zone).

Nonetheless, I have decided to move on in life and am hopeful that my efforts will come to fruition.

While coming to terms with and embracing change can be difficult, it is this change that evolves us as a person. Our life itself is a continuous journey entailing a myriad changes one after the other, right from the moment we are born to when we start going to school and later college, to the string of jobs we change in our career, to getting married and having kids. The fact is that change is inevitable. Rather than instantly reacting negatively to every change that comes our way, we should sleep over it, contemplate, evaluate alternatives and then decide whether to or not to embrace it. I understand all changes can’t be good and there is no harm in eliminating the ones that are not, but letting go of an opportunity to embrace a good change is a bad idea and sometimes entails a huge opportunity cost.

In relationships for instance, when two people come together, it is a huge change of dynamics between them. Initially things are rosy, as both partners want to put their best foot forward and therefore try to be accommodative and understanding, making efforts to ignore things they don’t like about each other. As time progresses, they start reacting to each other’s shortcomings. Then comes a time when the conflict reaches a stage where they both assume they are right and the other person should change. The breaking point comes when no one is willing to change for the other but both expect the other person to change and start justifying their individual viewpoints. I know of a couple that broke up recently. The age difference between them was over 15 years. Whenever the woman would be angry with the man, he would never attempt at making amends but would instead assume that she would eventually return to him. The man thought that given his age, he had changed enough for this woman and if this wasn’t enough for her, there was nothing more he can do about it. When the woman tried striking a conversation to resolve the conflict, the man would never apologize but was always ready with his defense on why his actions were justified. Things went on like this for over a year before they finally decided to part ways. Both still (they broke up only a couple of months ago) think it was the other person’s fault. This is a typical case of resistance to change. Both expected that the other person would eventually understand and be receptive to their point of view. The underlying problem was that both expected the change in the other person’s thinking and subsequent behavior to just happen as opposed to making attempts to actually make it happen. Furthermore, neither one of them was willing to change their own inward thinking and outward demeanor for the other person. There is always that nagging fear we have of changing ourselves for someone else and then not knowing where that change may lead us to. One of the reasons for their quarrel was that the man always wanted to be left alone (they all want to deal with their stuff on their own!) when he was is a bad mood and would create a shell around him. In contrast, the woman’s basic philosophy was of sticking around with her partner during difficult times. Their basic instincts and fundamental reactions to situations were quite different. Clearly they could not change enough. Enough is what keeps you together and does not let you fall apart, come what may. Relationships in India hold up for only two reasons - one is, as Neha rightly pointed out in one of her earlier posts, fear of what people might say (including ‘Where will I go if we were to end this?’); the second reason (and this is what should ideally hold a relationship together) is that both partners have willing CHANGED ENOUGH (because they want to be with each other despite all available alternatives) and are happy together.

To conclude, change is who we are. Without change, we would be anything but human!