Being Extra...

- BY NEHA

This is in continuation to one of my earlier posts, titled ‘Because You Are Worth It’ (go and first read this post in case you haven’t done so already…seriously, do it NOW!). After uploading that post and receiving some really positive feedback from some readers, I realized there was this one thing that I forgot to mention in that post (happens all the time when anything I write is appreciated...I go back and re-read my work and then realize there is something I missed). I do not know how it slipped out of my mind to talk about this in my earlier post because this one thing is another major peeve of mine. But on second thoughts, am glad that I missed mentioning this because now I can write an entire post on it and really drive the point home!

I have noticed this one trait in some of my relatives and friends and no matter how many times life has actually shown them, like a-whack-in-the-face shown them how this trait is not serving them well, they still do not wish to change this one thing and that is – ‘Being Extra’ – extra nice, extra polite, extra helpful…

Well it’s good to be nice, polite and helpful to others but why do some people want to just overextend themselves and always put everyone else’s needs before their own? Not only do the words and actions of these people come across as feigned at times, they are also most vulnerable to being taken advantage of. In wanting to always go that extra mile for others, these people just do not know when to say ‘No’. Consequently, others walk all over their personal space because such people haven’t set any personal limits. Their almost always readiness to help actually conveys the following message: ‘I really want to help you, in any which way whatsoever, so that you will like me and see how nice a person I am.’

In some cases I have noticed the ‘being extra-people’ actually bending over backwards for others at the cost of their own happiness. When I see this, I actually feel like walking up to these people, giving them a good shake and telling them, ‘IT IS OKAY TO SAY NO.’

People-pleasers are everywhere. Look around and you are bound to find at least one in your life. They will jump at the first opportunity to help someone, even if their help is not solicited and even if they do not have the means to help.

Certainly help others when they are really in need but at times you must wait until your help is asked for. And if you feel you do not have the resources to help someone, it is okay to say, “I am awfully sorry but I do not think I can help you in this situation.”

Just today while I was writing this post, my cousin (let’s call him ‘A’), who is currently not keeping too well and is on medication, was telling my mother that he intends to go back to his hometown for a while in order to recuperate. He has been living with his older brother (let’s call him ‘Big B’) for quite some time and therefore has a huge amount of stuff that he needs to take back home with himself. However, given A’s health condition currently, he was skeptical how he will manage to do all this alone. My mother suggested that since Big B is also going to be traveling to their hometown soon, A should simply ask Big B to get some, if not all, of A’s stuff. My cousin A immediately responded that he doubts Big B would do that but instead, like a typical big brother, may ask A to take some of Big B’s stuff back home too. I told A that in this case he should simply say ‘No’ because his health currently does not permit him to do so. In response A said that he couldn’t say no to his brother.

You see how people keep doing so much more for others even if they do not have the resources (in the above case physical health) to do so. I agree family is important and rightly so. However, why can’t we be honest with our own family members? Isn’t family supposed to understand our concerns and troubles? Would you like it if one of your family members went out of their way to assist you even if they did not have the money to help or were physically unwell and chose to hide that fact from you?

Some ‘being extra-people’ just don’t stretch their limits for their family members only but also for relatives, friends and even at times acquaintances. I have witnessed myriad instances where these people are taken advantage of, at times blatantly. On certain occasions, the ‘being extra-people’ do not receive the same kind of help from those who they have helped absolutely and unconditionally in the past. Whenever I have questioned such people on why they continue to go the distance for those who are never really there for them in times of need, their standard answer is that they like helping people and have no expectations from those they help (Seriously???).

People widely proclaim not to have expectations from others in order to preclude being disappointed. But is this really possible? Is it possible to have zilch expectations from people you go out of your way to help? In my opinion and personal experience, I cannot have zero expectations from people I care deeply about and to whom I have always extended an unconditional helping hand. I do expect these people to be there for me when I require help. I am no saint!

You may have noticed how when a people-pleaser hosts a party, she is so obsessed with ensuring that all guests are relaxed and having a good time, that she forgets that it is her party and she gets to enjoy it too. Such people will always cook extra dishes (so as to ensure that the taste buds of each and every guest are catered to); not allow guests to help out (they have got to treat their guests like royalty even if they do not have the means to); and never just sit down, relax & chat with their guests (because everything will fall apart if they just take it easy for a bit). In fact, as a guest in such gatherings, I always feel awkward and kind of guilty when I see the host running from pillar to post just to ensure that I am one hundred percent comfortable.

I am absolutely not a people-pleaser. In fact, I am quite famous (or infamous) for my candor, especially among my family members. I know when and where to draw the line and say no, without having to justify my no with a litany of excuses. I don’t care if everyone in my family is not gaga over me because I do not feel the need to have everyone like me and validate my ‘usefulness’ in the family. I am aware of my worth and I do not seek outside validation for the same.

In the words of author Jocelyn Murray, “If you are busy pleasing everyone, you are not being true to yourself.”