Banish Anger – Forgive!

- BY NEHA

We all have been hurt by other people’s actions and/or inactions at some point in our lives. For some the pain has been so deep that they have been unable to forgive the person concerned even after years have passed. The resentment people harbor in their hearts and thoughts is at times so intense that it impinges upon every aspect of their lives, so much so that these people suffer from severe bouts of depression and anger from time to time.

Buddha said: “Holding on to anger is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die.” This according to me is perhaps the most insightful quote that underscores the importance of forgiveness and letting go.

Brian Tracy in his book “Kiss That Frog” has referred to forgiveness as a ‘selfish’ act and rightly so, because forgiveness has got nothing to do with the other person. In fact, the people you decide to forgive don’t even need to know that you have forgiven them (in most cases, people who have intentionally hurt you could not care less whether you forgive them or not, if they did they would not have hurt you in the first place).

Unfortunately, most people who find it difficult to forgive others (even though they know deep down that it is perniciously affecting their mental peace and preventing them from moving ahead in life by limiting their ability to think objectively) believe that by forgiving they are somehow letting the other person off the hook and absolving him/her. The truth however is, that by forgiving someone we aren’t condoning what they said/did or giving them permission to walk all over us, instead we are freeing ourselves from the negativity of resentment that is bearing down on us and keeping us locked. While we need to learn the lesson from all our hurtful experiences, we must liberate ourselves from the anger completely so that the thought of that person no longer makes us cringe.

The underlying essential point I am trying to make here is best highlighted by the following quote from John F. Kennedy: “Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names.”

When hurt, many of us have spent countless days ranting and raving about the person who wounded our pride, our trust, our love, our friendship or our self-esteem. It is natural to feel dejected and angry but moping around and looking for ways to seek retribution or blaming life for being unfair to you is only going to fester your emotional wounds. Being let down by a boyfriend, does not mean that all men are jerks; having an unreasonable manager at work who never gives you credit but pounces on the first opportunity to put you down, does not mean all bosses are jackasses; being back-stabbed by your closest friend, does not imply that true friendship does not exist.

I too have been hurt in the past, not once or twice, but on myriad occasions by different people. Some years ago, a very close friend of mine stopped talking to me one fine day. It wasn’t because we’d had an argument or a tiff of any kind; she just for some reason ceased all communication with me. Her inexplicable behavior was very hard on me, largely because we were working together in the same organization and I saw her pretty much everyday. I tried speaking to her in order to understand her concerns but all she said was that she has her reasons for not talking to me but cannot share the same. People around us noticed the growing distance between the two of us. In fact, our fellow co-workers used to be in such awe of our friendship that when they noticed our fall out, they too felt bad for us. Needless to say, given all the effort I had put into nurturing that friendship (I had initially trained her when she joined the organization, helped her acclimatize to the work environment, made her a part of my friend circle, extensively helped her at work almost on a daily basis, spent time selecting the perfect wedding gift for her, reminded everyone in office to be present for her special day as she was on leave then and so much more…), I was deeply hurt and angry by her insensitive behavior towards me. To make matters worse, I distinctly remember that on my last day at work I had brought chocolates for everyone and had requested one of the office helpers to distribute them to all. While the entire office congratulated me on my international transfer and wished me well for the future, she refused to even accept the chocolates. Earlier that day, I had decided that I would personally say goodbye to all my colleagues, including her, after completing my exit formalities. However, before I could get around to doing that, she left office an hour before the official closing time. Till date, I have no idea why she chose to sever ties with me in such an unceremonious manner. Most people I have shared this episode with are of the opinion that even if I had inadvertently caused her any kind of grief which made her end our friendship, I still deserved to know the reason.

On almost all the instances in life when I have been hurt by others, not only did I despise each and every one of them and could not bear to see their faces, I kept kicking myself day in and day out for being stupid enough to place my trust in those people. I regretted every moment I had spent with them and every selfless gesture, care & concern I wasted on them. There was a time I became so wary of people and began to doubt others to such an extent that every time someone said or did something good to me, I assumed that they surely must be having some kind of an ulterior motive.

I am glad that am out of that rut now. It took a while and several hard lessons before I finally decided that I’d had enough and needed to let go of all the grudges I was holding onto. I realized that not only are the people I am angry with do not give a whit about me, but by continuing to be livid at them I was still choosing to give them mental space, time and attention in my life. I asked myself - do these people deserve even a modicum of importance in my life that I am actually devoting so much time in fretting and fuming about them, time that not only will never return but should rather be spent on enjoying my present and working towards the future?

I have reached a point where even if I learn that someone, who I have forgiven, continues to backbite on me, I no longer get angry but instead feel sorry for the person, for he/she obviously has such a sad and disinteresting life that they still choose to focus on me. On a lighter note, looking at this from another perspective, the inordinate amount of interest such people take in me, should be something I should gloat over!

The bottom line is that clinging on to past hurts is, without a shadow of doubt, detrimental to your present and future. I have personally forgiven everyone who has emotionally hurt me in the past. The thought of those people no longer gets me all riled up. Trite as it may sound, but being able to forgive did indeed make me feel lighter, as if a huge weight had been unloaded off of me.

So if you are holding on to any kind of bitterness or ill feeling towards someone who wronged you, forgive him/her and become neutral in your emotion towards that person. Learn what you can from that experience but do not let it color your view of others and life in general. Remember that when someone deliberately causes you pain, it only highlights their personal inadequacies and insecurities.